Sorry, Sweets...there are MANY MORE than 5 Reasons why there should be men's derby....

This ignorant "article" was posted on a Phoenix News Times Blog by Niki D'Andrea. Maybe it was meant to be toungue-in-cheek; but it just comes across as stupidity at it's finest. It is fairly clear that this girl has not even SEEN a men's derby bout or even seen a women's bout since Roller Jam. So I have copy and pasted this fluff and my responses to each "point."

1. There are already enough sports filled with brawny dudes beating their chests and throwing each other around. Guys have hockey, football, basketball, boxing, wrestling, and the Ultimate Fighting Championship (not to mention drunken bar fights). We get that roller derby is a new way for guys to move fast and hit hard, but it doesn't sound fun to watch. We just hope they're wearing cups, or they might be trying rhythmic gymnastics or synchronized swimming next.
NEURO SIS SAYS: Um, okay. The men don't "throw each other around." They use the same WFTDA rules that the women use, which (had this "writer" done her research like MOST journalists do, she would have read up on the WFTDA rules) BAN the throwing of anyone...but I bet an exception would be made for Ms. D'Andrea.
The guys who are moving fast and hitting hard are having to learn a new sport just like the girls did. Most of them are ex-hockey players, world champion speed skaters, AND competitive artistic skaters (READ: GRACEFULNESS). As for the whole cups comment, obviously Ms. D'Andrea has never taken a skate to the vag or been skate raped. Just sayin.


​2. The possibilities of men's roller derby outfits are horrid. Obviously, the skimpy shorts, skirts, fishnets, and low-cut tops of derby dames won't do for the dudes. So what if they're actually wearing baggy knee-length shorts (watch out for butt cracks) and T-shirts? For us, just the thought of men on skates in leg-hugging 1960s basketball shorts makes us cringe.
NEURO SIS SAYS: Who is us? Do you really think that you share the opinion of others? Or do you just have a turd in your back pocket? Or in your skull? The men that DO wear the shorty shorts are doing it to be tongue-in-cheek (no pun intended), something YOU, Ms. D'Andrea, could stand to learn about from the guys.

3. The smell. Any men's locker room emits a certain odor that's a combination of dirty feet, sweaty arm pits, and for some reason, the rubber on new shoes. We can only imagine the olfactory horror that would come from adding sweaty, dirty roller skates to the mix.
NEURO SIS SAYS: FIRST OF ALL, the smell is NOT from the skates, it's from the PADS. Secondly, it's mostly from the wrist guards, not any type of rubber. Finally, the women smell WAY worse than the men.
If you had done ANY type of due diligence, you would know that. But isn't it more fun to just write about things you know nothing about? You, Ms. D'Andrea, wouldn't begin to know the hard work that men AND women put into this sport that cause them to sweat and smell so bad. You also wouldn't understand how the teams give back to their players, communities, and other teams. I always heard it was better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass....you are definitely the latter.

4. There are enough pun names in the world already. The women in Arizona roller derby have names like Ginger Mortis, Nova Kane, Gwen Steponya, and Kat Von Double D's. The guys are donning similar pseudonyms, like Arth Riddick, Bombs Onya Moms, Girth Brooks, and Skip Play. It's cute and kind of vicious when the girls take such monikers, but the guys sound like Garbage Pail Kids.

NEURO SIS SAYS:
No there really aren't enough. I have met girls who pick names that MEAN something to them, but find a way to make the names punny or marketable. I met one girls (sorry, can't remember where she plays, (but I met her at the WFTDA Champinals) named something like Six-Tofu because she was born with six toes (HILARIOUS), Bat R Up (because she literally knocks girls down who come up against her), and my name which lets you know I am neurotic but also a sister-type. The mens names are just as punny, more feminine, and marketable (and, really, why should the girls have all the good ones) like: Seahorses Forever, Skittles, Tripod-whose number is o1o (FUNNY STUFF), and Merby Dick.
I am old enough to remember and have owned an extensive collection of GPK trading cards. They had some clever names too like Georgeous George (crickets are now chirping and some random guy is coughing in he background). But not nearly as clever as the merby names I have the privilege to laugh at while I am watching a bout.


5. There are no illusions of grace. When a woman gets on a pair of skates and glides around a rink -- even if she's kicking people in the gut the whole way -- there's an inevitable feminine grace to what she's doing. And no, it has nothing to do with boobs bouncing, because men can have boobs, too. There's just something about the image of a big, hairy guy rolling around on eight wheels that makes us think less about lithe athletes, and more about Mack trucks.

NEURO SIS SAYS: Boobs? How old are we? Anyway, as I said before: COMPETITIVE ARTISTIC SKATING CHAMPIONS. There are also many jam skaters (those who dance on skates), and competitive speed skaters. All of which comprise the Des Moines, Iowa mens roller derby team: Your Mom. Not to mention that at least three of their players coach the Des Moines Derby Dames League. Tinkerbelle (jammer for Your Mom) has taught us girls more about agility and grace and balance and center than we ever thought we needed to know. Also, Ms. D'Andrea, if you had bothered to watch a dangle derby bout, you would know that the majority of the players are not hairy (most shave due to their past in competitive skating) and are skinny. Being bigger is not necessarily an asset for agility on the track. Some can make it work very well (see MOAB and Bat R Up) but it is not something that seems to be commonplace.

[This blog has been edited for accuracy since publication]

NEURO SIS LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY AT THE NOTION THAT THIS BLOG EVER CONTAINED ANY FORM OF ACCURACY